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Down the Pipe:
Introductory Ramblings

ByRussell "RadPipe" Lauzon
Vol. 2, Issue 1 
November 12, 1999 

Hey now, how about some background info on our Radmeister? It goes against my better judgement, and makes me a target for Canada's Most Wanted, but what the heck. I hail from the Toronto area and I work in a pharmaceutical company as a Validation Specialist. Essentially I do tons of documentation in preparation for FDA audits so that we can make drugs and sell them to the general public. Now doesn't that just send shivers up your sphincter? I've been a professional computer techie for over ten years and have loads of writing experience that I've accumulated mostly on the side. I have a book published and I worked briefly for Atlantis Films (now Alliance Atlantis) in Toronto on an action/drama TV series. If those crazy guys at Raven ever get their webzine going, then hopefully you'll see a few of my pieces pop up there. I'm married. I have 3 kids (boys. Yes, I'm raising a clan. No, this is not a joke).

Well I've pretty much reached the end of my "Here's who I am, what I do, and how jizzed you'll be by upcoming Features yadda yadda" talk, so let's move on to a new subject. I'll title this:

"How To Cook Forty Humans"

If you can follow any bizarre phrases like that, then, not only are we connected on some higher unknown level, but you're probably a thesis subject for the white-coats too. It's not all bad, though. You get a lot of attention and they let you eat all the ice cream you want.

Here's an exchange I thought I'd share with everyone.


<me> I'm doing my commentary on loonygames and I need a topic. Quick, what's the most embarrassing thing on your desk?

<levelord> ...got one! ...not on my desk, but on my chair, ...just between my legs where the Warrior would be if I was naked, there's a stain that looks just like, ...just like, ...well, you know, ...like I was here late one night when no one else was here and, ...well, ...you know, ...happened upon a pron page or something and, ...well, ...you know, ...made a mess? It's actually an honest catsup spill from a club sandwich that I tried to wipe up with a white napkin. The material from the napkin is now embedded in the chair and it looks a lot like a cum stain. No one believes me, especially the press when they cum, ...errrr, ...come to visit.

Never a dull moment when the good and humble levelord is on duty. Let's dissect this little gem of a message. Actually, let's not. But what a great question. I'd ask someone else but I don't think I could top that. Instead, I asked an IRC passerby who he would play in an upcoming movie, if he had a choice. His answer:


<PT> I've decided.. that I'm going to be Anakin in episode 2. Yep. Might as well. It'd be fun. And I'd get to snog Natalie Portman - always a good thing.

Ok, I'll admit, that does sound like fun. But what really drew my skirt up, is this new word. This "snog" word. Man, that's one of those new words that catches me as soon as I see it. Say it for yourself. Snog. I love it. I'm going to walk around all day tomorrow saying nothing but snog. "Hey Jim, snog lately?" That's cool. Almost as good as the word "exhume". Try using that in an everyday sentence. It actually works quite well. "Yeah we're going to exhume that piece of code and take another look at it." I emailed John Carmack not long ago asking if he wanted to coin that baby. He didn't respond. Wonder why.

Welp, that's pretty much the end of this week's commentary. Next week I promise to talk about interesting subjects that are actually relevant to real world gaming issues, whatever those may be. In closing, I'd like to leave you with one final thought, parlayed to me by a good friend who
wishes to remain nameless:


<Good Nameless Friend> One of my cats is named Poopie Eye. She has a brown eye and a blue eye.

Life doesn't get any better than that.


- Russell "RadPipe" Lauzon is currently exhausting all his free time researching Beer Goggles.


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Credits: Illustration © 1999 Dan Zalkus. Down the Pipe is © 1999 Russell Lauzon. All other content is © 1999 loonyboi productions. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited, biznitch.