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Vol. 2, Issue 10
February 4, 1999

Down the Pipe

12 Rules to Good Teamplay

by Russell "RadPipe" Lauzon


I’ve been playing a lot of Counter-Strike lately, billed as a counter-terrorist mod for Half-Life. It’s pretty cool and realistic, but I’m not going to review it here. Instead, it’s prompted me to write up some nifty rules in the name of teamplay, and I thought I’d share them with you. Most of these will be specific to Counter-Strike, some not. So without further ado, here’s RadPipe’s 12 rules to good teamplay.

1. When the round starts and you and your team are rushing to get into position, feel free to wail away on the guy in front of you with whatever weapon you have handy. Knives are good, as are pistols and rifles. Make that blood splatter real well. It hardly ever detracts their attention from the task at hand and it lets him know you’re there and ready to back him up. Don’t worry if Friendly Fire is turned on. He’ll die happily knowing that his teammate has taken his place and is carrying on the battle.

2. Never ever take the time to learn and use pre-recorded messages. This will only detract your teammates from the task at end. Instead, run off to a dark corner of the map and type your message in. Be sure to request a response.

3. When your gun runs out of ammunition in the heat of battle, immediately retreat to the farthest point on the map to get more ammunition and/or reload. No sense in getting killed while you shove more bullets in your gun.

4. (Corollary to #3): When your teammate’s gun runs out of ammunition in the middle of a battle, immediately leave the area with all haste. No sense in getting killed when he can’t cover you anymore. Those precious 2 seconds while he reloads could mean death.

5. If you’re going to use an explosive device (say, a hand grenade), follow behind your teammates then throw it in their midst when they get into battle. This is exactly the kind of confusing move that will really foul up your enemy. As the enemy sits back and says, “What was that?”, you and your surviving teammates can rush in and clean up.

6. If you have to take a leak, get a drink, go for dinner, or head off to work, always make sure you get into the game first and join a team. Sure, your character will sit there for a while and do nothing, but you have to remember that you might not get a spot in the game if you wait. Don’t worry that your team will be down a man. Just think of all the kills you’ll get after you’ve taken that big dump and feel all fresh and rejuvenated.

7. If your team is outnumbered (for whatever reason), quickly switch to the other team. Now your team will really outnumber the other team and you’ll really lay the smack down.

8. Camping is cool. Make it your prime function. Find the quietest, darkest little corner on the map and put up a tent. Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes. It’s the coolest thing. And when everyone else on your team is dead and you’re the only thing that stands between the enemy winning and a timeout “draw”, they’ll thank you. Trust me.

9. Never ever check the scores menu. You might find that you’re alone against the other team. And that would just make you nervous.

10. If you can’t afford a good weapon at the start of the round then don’t buy anything. Just follow one of your teammates that does have a good weapon and wait for him to die. Pow, you’ve got yourself a good weapon.

11. If you connect to a server where your ping isn’t as good as it could be, complain like heck. Spam your teammates with “This server/ping/team sucks” messages for a good ten minutes before leaving to find a better one. Remember, communication is the key. If you don’t tell them, maybe they’ll never learn. Heck, maybe they’re in a similar situation but are shy and are waiting for someone else to bring it up.

12. If your team is just plain sucking, switch to the other one. Why should you suffer for their ineptness?

Well there you have it. Words of wisdom from the RadPipe0rz. I hope you take my preachings to heart and perhaps I’ll see you on the next Counter-Strike server. I’ll be the guy spamming hand grenades from the highest building I can find.

- Russell "RadPipe" Lauzon currently holds the world record for using the word "exhumed" 15 times in a single sentence.


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Credits: Illustration © 2000 Dan Zalkus. Down the Pipe is © 2000 Russell Lauzon. All other content is © 2000 loonyboi productions. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited. So don't do it. Please? Pretty please? Okay, fine...be that way. But don't ask me for your allowance, young man.