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Down the Pipe:
Can't Wait for Cyberspace

By Russell "RadPipe" Lauzon
Vol. 2, Issue 6 
December 17, 1999 

You’ll always be built like Arnold Schwartzenegger and look like Brad Pitt . So what if you’re an acne-faced squirt of goo who couldn’t punch your way out of a paper bag. In the virtual world you can look however you like. Roam down the virtual highways as a gorilla; storm the chat rooms as Roseanne Barr; fight your way through Quake 14 as Colonel Grossman. The only limits are your own imagination. While your body atrophies in the Life Coffin, your mind is energized by an environment with no boundaries. “What will I do today? What won’t I do today!”

Your environment is totally customizable. Screw sitting in your bedroom smacking away at a keyboard. Put me on a beach with sun and surf and turn off the gravity on me. I’ll just float here by my umbrella. Ah yes. I’ll need waiters too. And cute chicks wafting cool air over me with giant palm tree leaves. No wait, make it a hot tub on the deck of a big comfy chalet somewhere in the snowy alps.

Human interaction is better than ever. Now here’s where all the naysayers are shouting, “Boo!” But have you ever woken up next to someone with horrible morning breath? Yeck. In Cyberspace you can go to a party and everyone there has the perfect body and the perfect face (or conversely, go to a party where everyone looks like my butt). And you can go home with any one of them and have completely care-free wild sex and it’ll be the safest sex you ever have. You don’t like someone? Ignore them. I mean actively ignore them. Put them in your Ignore List and you’ll never see them or hear from them again. Cyberspace will make it so much easier to meet people who have interests like your own. When you consider that you can immediately be connected with people around the world who are just like you, that’s gotta be a lot easier than how it is now.

Games are....fantastic. As hardware improves I’m always amazed at how far gaming technology progresses. Imagine what kind of games people will come up with when we have full fledged Virtual Reality on our hands. I want to wander through a dungeon wearing virtual armor with a virtual sword in my hands and fight a virtual fire-breathing dragon. That would rock. And you know the funny thing? I don’t want it to look too real. I want it to look more like a cross between Diablo and one of the TV shows like Beast Machines. I mean, this is fantasy right? The reality is just a bit too harsh for me. Make it a bit more cartoony and I’m all for it.

It’s a great way to meet aliens. Yeah, you heard me. Real aliens from other worlds with funky antennae and green skin and bulging eyes. You see, sailing through space is just such an inefficient way to meet other beings. One of these days we’ll invent a device that carries signals instantaneously from point to point over any distance, and we’ll discover a whole new internet connecting billions of stars across the universe. Earth will just be another node in a star topology. Hanker down and discuss universe-beat issues with 3-headed grogonites on planet Zedumulus; visit a virtual rendition of the exploding art of one Magmulatin Gelutomous on the primate world of Zeta Beta 6; play some Quake 14 with 7of9 of Borg. Cool. Bring it on.

Okay, so I’m a geek. I like technology and computers and how the world is progressing. While this article has focused on the things I look forward to in Cyberspace, there is another column in me that discusses the negative things. But for now, this is RadPipe, dreaming of the day when I can eat cookies in bed and not worry about crumbs.

- Russell "RadPipe" Lauzon currently holds the world record for using the word "exhumed" 15 times in a single sentence.

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Credits: Illustration © 1999 Dan Zalkus. Down the Pipe is © 1999 Russell Lauzon. All other content is © 1999 loonyboi productions. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited. So don't do it. Please? Pretty please? Okay, fine...be that way. But don't ask me for your allowance, young man.