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Vol. 2, Issue 7
December 24, 1999

Down the Pipe

Suck it Down, Bitch

by Russell "RadPipe" Lauzon


ell, this has been around for a while, and while I personally think this whole trademarking issue is getting just a little silly, I can’t help but think I can capitalize on it myself and make me some easy cash. Thus, here’s a few phrases that will soon be trademarked by my own little company, RadPipe Entertainment Enterprises Games Storm (or REEGS).


Yep, no longer will you able to type gg at the end of a hearty online battle (without forking over some cool royalties to me). Instead you’ll have to use phrases like, “This was an excellent battle that we have just fought”, or, “Your jama be way cool groovy on me man”, or the expressive, “I wish to tell you that this is indeed a well played game that we have played in hopes of promoting good feelings and well wishing in the online gaming forum”, or simply, “No offense”.


This one has always bugged me so I feel very good about trademarking it. I mean, if you just pronounce it as it looks, “lol”, it sounds pretty queer huh. But now, as I own it, you’ll have to revert to time-honored phrases such as, “I am laughing heartily with mouth open wide”, and “I giggle in your general direction.” Cool huh? Much better than lol.


No more emoticons! In fact, I’m going to trademark the whole lot of them. All two thousand and ten. Even the weird ones that your nephew Lester comes up with and no one can make heads or tails of them without a 3 paragraph email instructing you in how to lean your head and exactly what those | phallic symbols are doing in there. Consider as replacements:

:) “I am now smiling politely”;

“I am now frowning at your previous comment and I might be a little sad too”;
:~( “I am now crying with all my heart and soul and would appreciate a retraction at your statement and perhaps a warm hug from the nearest big-bosomed female”;

:~) “I am now crying I am so happy. Am I not the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?”

Ick, you might want to just forego that last one and fork over the cash for use of the emoticon.


This will be a tough one for all you hardcore gamers, as it’s a very expressive term. Instead you’ll have to use phrases like, “I am beside myself in wonder,” and “Good grief!” and “Zoinks!” Although if you happen to come across your best friend in the midst of a passionate love making with your favorite fem, you might want to shout the long form of the acronym at the top of your lungs, as it’s probably most appropriate.


I like this short form and am quite pleased that soon I will be the only one allowed to use it without the penalty of paying compensation. I mean, it’s short and just chuck full of aggressive doubt, all on its own. Consider: “I am certainly not believing of your statement or act”, or “This can hardly be construed as true in any form,” or “Romero’s a he?!” as suitable replacements.

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Credits: Illustration © 1999 Dan Zalkus. Down the Pipe is © 1999 Russell Lauzon. All other content is © 1999 loonyboi productions. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited. So don't do it. Please? Pretty please? Okay, fine...be that way. But don't ask me for your allowance, young man.