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Down the Pipe:
Suck it Down, Bitch

By Russell "RadPipe" Lauzon
Vol. 2, Issue 7 
December 24, 1999 


Ouch, now what will you call those cheesy players who don’t have the balls to face you in the open and duke it out man to man? “Hey, you, guy, you’re a guy who hides and gets lots of frags, and, well, we all dislike guys that do gooder like that because we think it’s cheesy and stuff.” Good luck!


This is one I see in IRC all the time, and it’s one I personally hate with a passion. It’s like saying, “It’s good to see you again, but only marginally so. In fact, about the only effort I’m going to make at a greeting is typing re[Enter], which is about 3 keystrokes more effort than I really want to expend.” Me, I like healthy good-to-see-you greetings that go on for 3 hours and give you the kind of warm fuzzies that will last all day. “Hey bro, good morning and how the hell are ya?” is a good one. Or, “Hey chick! Lay some sweet Mynx-type lovin´ on me, babe!”


Just kidding? Joking? Who knows. You can try all you want to rob your words of offense, but the harm is already done. Poor little Jimmy is scarred for life. Instead of tacking j/k to your statement as an afterthought, try proceeding your little jab with a disclaimer: “Warning: my following comment is not intended to harm the psyche of anyone present. It is meant for humor purposes only and should not be viewed as slanderous or damaging to anyone present. Those who are typically offended by humor should leave the room.” With a statement like that you’re covered. Well covered. In fact, you can say just about anything you want after that little diddy and have it come off smelling as sweet and rosy as John Romero’s hair.


My wife says that whenever she sees me chatting with people on the computer, it’s always about ping. And ever since she said that, I notice that yes indeed, people talk about it all the time. So, I’m going to capitalize on it. Now instead of saying ping, you’ll have to say, “The time it takes for one network packet to be sent from one host to another and back.” This has corollaries to the LPB and HPB phrases so, fair warning. LPB players will now be known as bitches, and HPB players will be bastards. I love simple solutions.

Well, I guess that’s a pretty short list for now, but depending on how well I can capitalize on it, you may see me expand the list in the near future to cover other such greats as rofl, heh, and the ever popular yep. If you have any suggestions for me to add, heck mail them in and include alternate phrases that people can use in their place. I mean, I don’t want to be a complete jerk about it. I just want to be rich. And if you don’t like it? Well you can just suck it down, bitch.

- Russell "RadPipe" Lauzon currently holds the world record for using the word "exhumed" 15 times in a single sentence.

about feedback archives submissions

Credits: Illustration © 1999 Dan Zalkus. Down the Pipe is © 1999 Russell Lauzon. All other content is © 1999 loonyboi productions. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited. So don't do it. Please? Pretty please? Okay, fine...be that way. But don't ask me for your allowance, young man.